me, my thoughts and sofia coppola

So onward with my slightly depressing blogs...you know you love them. Last night I watched at really sad movie, The Virgin Suicides, written and directed by Sofia Coppola. It is basically about the trials and tribulations of 5 sisters and the events that follow the suicide of one of them. It was really sad but at the same time thought provoking. It really went into the thought and reasoning behind these girls decision to do such a horrible and scary thing. I have never really been a sofia coppola fan (other than Marie Antoinette) but she really touched me with this movie. It made me revisit the "accident" of my friend back in high school. I always thought, how can you be so upset at 16? I constantly had the whys? and the usual arguments with god that everyone has when something so sudden happens. I never really dealt with it. I comforted those around me and went into autopilot mode. In my childhood/teenage years I spent more time at funerals and wakes than anyone should ever have to. It's sad when those things just seem like a natural occurance. The other wakes were endings like old age, health problems, and yes even some drug overdoses (New Hampshire isn't as picturesque as it seems). I treated my friend's funeral like all the others since it was completely new to me. I had a friend attempt suicide before but never really end it. I don't cry very often in front of people so I just stuffed it in. I can put on a brave face even in the most upsetting circumstances, its just what I do, a talent if you will.
I had no idea that a movie such as this would evoke the feelings 6 years held captive. I finally really started to look at the situation and feel what I should have felt back then. It's scary when your life comes back in flashes of images. I revisited everything. The sight of his parents and siblings literally falling apart. My best friend who never cries and who is the strongest man I know literally break down. I was just background. I was the person to lean on or to hold him for what seemed like hours while he just grieved, grieved like I should have. I was like moving furniture, I did everything but show emotion, and for that I feel extremely regretful. At the time it seemed like the thing to do, think about the others around me and help them. I now see that I needed help too and I needed to grieve as well. I only hope that he can forgive me for waiting this long to feel something other than bravery. I'm so sorry......
Sorry for all those reading this, I know this is the downers of all downers but it was something that needed to be said or typed into the open.
I just needed to work this out, and since I'm not one to openly chat about things this intense this seemed like the next best thing.
thanks for hanging in there with me......I promise to write something more uplifting next time

~moi

In a Giselle State of Mind

Lately I cannot help by think about the quote, "Is is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?". This, for me is becoming comparable to the Chicken/egg debate. I find myself in these past few days really thinking about my own answer to that question. Of my relationships, with what I know now and what I have gone through, would it have been better for me to have never entered into that love.
Yesterday I was really pondering this question, and my recent relationship, and I was really weighing the thought of not having entered into love. Would it have been easier if I had never loved him? Or has the hurt and confusion that I went though really something that has made me stronger. Putting aside the fact that it has made our friendship weaker and lacking in communication, was it really worth it. When I think back on that piviotal moment where the question came of to be girlfriend or not be should I have walked away. I'm not sure that the girl I am today could easily walk away. A hurt and confused version of myself would shout hell yes,since it knows what was to come in a months time. But I found myslef stuck in that remembered moment yesterday and through a day of thinking, I am no where closer to an answer.
This brings me to the title of my blog today, a Giselle state of mind. this has to be my favorite ballet of all time. My relation is not becasue of the exquisite choreography or the costumes, but the main character herself and what she goes through. She is a young peasant girl who falls in love with a man of higher status. Apon seeing him with another woman she has this memorable scene of literally going insane and ends the first half with her dying literally of a broken heart. The beginning of the second half puts you in the cemetart with the willies who are women who have died after being scorned by those they love, if those that scorn them ever come to visit, they must kill him as part of thier revenge. Giselle is the newest of the willies and is sad and lonely. Her love comes to visit and rather than kill him, she spares his life due to the fact that she still loves him after the pain he caused her. So in the middle of my pondering ways, this ballet comes onto tv and I am glued to it. Half way through I find myself more in tuned with giselle than I have ever been. Her love is so true, and real. Through pain and scorn and death she still finds a way to love. For her it was better to have loved and lost everything.
I am no closer to finding my own answer to this question, perhaps I'll never be. The truth is that I did love and I lost not only him but a part of myself. Our relationship is complicated for many reasons and factors that we have yet to figure out. But everytime we talk that question will hang there and feel like an elephant in the room. But in thinking back it might all have been worth it.....

hope that did not put a damper on your day, comment if you have any input

~moi

registered blogger

So here I am, a registered blogger. Wasn't sure that I would go down the road of a blogger, as I was always a livejournaler, but here goes. I feel as though this semester brings a new life and a new outlook on the world around me. I plan to make this semester much better than the last. The fall semester was filled with enough ups and downs to last a lifetime. I'm done with the things of the past; relationships, certain bad friendships, and most importantly drama. So here we go! This will be a testament that I can get through the past year that i have gone through and can come back drama free.
So keep checking in because it's bound to be entertaining along my way to self discovery.